Make Me Stay
by SweetHigh
Summary: Bianca has to come to terms with the loss in her life, while trying to decide how she'll be able to return to her old life now. All the while someone from her new life is trying to make her stay. (Roman/OC)
1. You're Just A Small Bump, Unknown

**Summary;** **Bianca has to come to terms with the loss in her life, while trying to decide how she'll be able to return to her old life now. All the while someone from her new life is trying to make her stay. (Roman/OC) **

**Author's Note; The story 'Make Me Stay' is an emotional story based on events that do happen in real life to many woman and I want to express that I don't find some sick joy in writing this kind of story. In fact I find peace and release in writing about this because the subject of this story hits home for my family.**  
**This is a slightly AU-ish Fanfiction and I will be using WWE Superstars in ring names to make it easier on myself unless stated otherwise for this story.**

**Warnings; This story contains child loss. (Please don't read if you're sensitive to this subject.)**

**Disclaimer; I only own my OC Bianca. At no point do I suggest this is reality or reflects reality, it's entirely made up.**

Make Me Stay

Chapter 1

At just over 20 weeks pregnant everything had been smooth sailing for first time mother Bianca, very little morning sickness, no crazy cramping or cravings. It was the perfect pregnancy people kept telling her.

That was until today.

Today was just meant to be a small check up, check her weight, bloods, blood pressure, the heartbeat those types of things.

It didn't go quite to plan though.

After everything else was done Doctor Martin had Bianca hop on the chair for a listen of the heartbeat with the doppler.

He moved the doppler around her belly for what seemed like forever. A couple times he thought he had picked the baby up, but then discovered it was actually Bianca's own pulse he was hearing. Of course by now Bianca started to get a little nervous. "I don't want to torture you," the doctor said, "let's go down to the ultrasound room for a quick look."

They quickly walked to the ultrasound room. It was dark and quiet. The doctor squeezed the cold gel onto my belly and turned on the machine.

For a while he looked at the screen in silence before turning it towards Bianca so she could see it. "This is the heart right here," he pointed out, "and I'm not seeing any activity. I want to have the ultrasound tech double-check and take some measurements before we talk about what this means."

It was like her brain just couldn't comprehend what the doctor was saying, or what she was seeing. "You mean he's gone?" she finally asked, feeling her face get hot.

The Doctor didn't have a response for her, quickly making his exit to get an ultrasound tech leaving Bianca feeling confused and faint.

Faintly she recalled Doctor Martin and his ultrasound tech Slyvia coming into the room, before in just a few words they unintentially broke her heart and her walls crumbled down around her.

Bianca still layed motionless on the ultrasound table willing herself not to cry, she could hear the Doctor talking still but his voice had become muffled and seemingly distant to her now.

Although the information being conveyed to her she knew was important Bianca couldn't bring herself back to reality. As much as Bianca tried to listen into what her doctor was saying her thoughts were left lingering on the most important details.

_"I'm sorry to have to say this Miss Anderson but we're unable to find a heartbeat" He'd taken a pause, like he knew that she would need this time process this. And it did. "Due to the lack of heartbeat at this time in the pregnancy the only explanation is that you've had a miscarriage."_

There were so many questions she wanted to ask the doctor but she had conveniently forgotton how to speak in her shock. Most importantly she wanted to ask why? Or how? Only yesterday had Bianca felt him kicking around and now? Now she knew that the unimaginable and undescribable feeling like your unborn child kicking you was something she wouldn't feel again.

Why is it that in times of grief do we really come to the realistaion of how special and rare little things such as a kick can be?

Was there a possibility that the feeling she felt yesterday wasn't actually her son kicking? That it could of been her son inevitably dying? That in the momemnt where she was torn between momentary pain and immense joy that her son was slipping away from her.

Racking her brain she tried to think of anything happenning that was abnormal, like cramps or bleeding but Bianca couldn't think of anything. To her the pregnancy had been going along smoothly, heck, everyone seemed to think her pregnancy was going along smoothly so this was the last thing she thought of happenning at her appointment today.

Her inexperience due to this being her first pregnancy was really coming to the forefront here, should she have known what was happening inside her body, could she have stopped this from happenning if so? Bianca knew that she wasn't going to get any of questions answered being a mute but essentially she had shut down. The emotional distress of the situation proving to much for the young first time mother.

Doctor Martin had finally noticed she wasn't listening anymore it seemed, seeing as he moved his hands to attempt to wipe the gel from her lower abdomen. The warmth of his hands seemed to jolt her from her current state of shock as she pushed his hands away. Unaffected by Bianca's reaction he tried again only to have her repeat her previous actions.

"Miss Anderson we need to get you cleaned up for the meanwhile." he insisted.

"No." she whispered, as the tears began to fall.

"Please, I just need to wipe the gel from you."

Shaking her head at him she spoke a little louder this time. "No," again. "I..I-uh I want to see him again p-please."

His face softened and he gave her a look of sympathy that she didn't care for at the moment. Doctor Martin seemed to understand that although another ultrasound would essentially be needed to conduct some growth measurements and to investigate the cause behind this miscarriage, that Bianca realistically wasn't in the right frame of mind right now for that.

"Please, please I just need to see him again," she sobbed.

Looks were exchanged between Doctor Martin and Sylvia the ultrasound technician, although no words were exchanged between them Bianca noticed that their looks seemed to convey the conversation between them without words. A nod was eventually exchanged and Doctor Martin moved out for Sylvia to step back up to the machine.

Bianca laid back down again as Sylvia picked up the ultrasound wand and began moving it over her lower abdomen again. "There he is Miss," she pointed to her 20 week old son.

There on the screen was her son once again and this time Bianca took her time to really look at him, his tiny body curled and still. Evidence of his already defined facial features made her think of whom he would have looked more like, or if he would have been an equal mix of both his parents.

For the most part after finding out that she was having a son Bianca had hoped he would look like Roman, now she hoped that maybe he would resemble her even in the slightest.

His right hand was wrapped around his left arm and so his tiny fingers were on display, they seemed so long on his tiny hands and Bianca thought of her own hands. All through her life she had been told her fingers were longer than normal, although it was always taken in her stride. Her son had taken that part of her with him, it caused a brief smile to grace her face.

Unfortunetly it was only momentary happiness in the midst of immense pain and sadness. There was her baby she had envisioned so many things for, had so many plans for and he was still.

Bianca just wanted him to wake up, to start squirming around like the last time she had saw. When he had been such a wiggle worm that they had actually had trouble getting all the measurements they needed.

But he stayed still. There were no longer any signs of life in her womb. He was gone.

Overwhelmed with emotion Bianca eventually over exhausted herself with shallow breaths and uncontrollable sobs to the point she passed out.

**-X-**

Her eyes fluttered open as she adjusted to the light in the room she observed as new to her. Looking around it registered with her that she was in a hospital room, still a little dazed she grabbed for the call button and pressed for the nurse.

A middle aged nurse made her way into Bianca's room shortly after, "Miss Anderson you're awake now."

"Yeah, I-I uh passed out huh?"

The nurse gave a slight nod of her head, "You were very overwhelmed with raw emotion and it took it's toll on your body."

In hindsight now she understood why Doctor Martin and Sylvia had been hesitant on letting her see her son while she was still in that mindframe. Had she waited until they discussed her options and Bianca made her decision on what they were to do going forward from here, then allowed Doctor Martin to do the second ultrasound things might not have ended like this.

"I'm just going to check your vitals again now that you're awake if that's okay?" she asked.

Bianca knew she didn't really have a choice despite how much she didn't want to be touched right now. So with a murmer of a yes she let the nurse do her job.

Not unexpected her vitals weren't were the doctor would have liked them and so the nurse who Bianca had eyed her badged Lucy took note of those and said she would have to page for the doctor.

"On your files we were unable to find a next of kin listed, is there someone we could call for you Miss Anderson?"

Honestly? Yes. Did she want him to see her like this though, to know that she had lost their baby? No.

Of course she knew that he deserved to know though, so Bianca asked for her bag and fished her phone out scrolling down to find Roman's number before running it off to nurse Lucy.

Smiling kindly Lucy left to make the call as Bianca laid back in the hospital bed and let her tears fall again.

Roman was a kind man, she could never fault him for that it's just she wasn't in love with him and honestly she didn't believe he was in love with her either.

The conception of their son was really just meant to be a flimsy drunken one night stand but a month and half later Bianca had discovered that they were going to have their own little reminder of that fateful night.

He had been great and really supportive from the moment Bianca told him and really took to the idea of being a father. Sighing, she knew that this was going to effect him terribly and she just didn't have the heart to break it to him.

Bianca didn't know who Roman was when they first met back at the club, but in the wake of the morning after she slowly began to put the peices together.

Embarressed by her actions from the night before Bianca tried to rush getting dressed before trying to make the walk of shame. In the process though Bianca had noticed the papers on the bedside table of his hotel room.

It was a travel intinerary for the WWE, he was a wrestler?

As a kid she remembered watching the likes of Hulk Hogan, Macho Man and Ultimate Warrior on the TV with her older brother.

Eventually her brother grew out of the facade upon his teen years and in suit so did she, so that explained her complete lack of knowledge based on the man still asleep.

Really she wasn't trying to snoop, she was just looking for her wallet! However Bianca actually found his and ironically enough she learnt that Roman too was from the Pensacola area.

It was a friend's bacherlorette party that had her visiting Las Vegas.

Looking back though, Bianca was grateful she had stumbled upon those few things. It made it easier to track down the man she had fallen pregnant too when she found out the news herself.

Much to her suprise Roman was supportive and attentive from the time she let him know, Bianca had thought he might have taken to her with accusations of her being some crazy groupie but he hadn't. Thankfully.

He'd wanted to tell his family straight away too and while Bianca couldn't bask in the excitement of being able to tell her parents Roman's definetly made up for it. His family were overjoyed and excited for a new baby.

Of course they had their questions, Bianca knew that they would. Who doesn't when their son brings home a woman they've never heard of and tells them they're expecting.

While she appreciated their concern and the open armed welcome that she had received, they had eventually become overbearing at times.

Roman was the youngest child of 5 and therefore the baby of the family. It was clear to Bianca that he was favoured upon and fussed over more than most of the men in the family because of this and while she admired his families devotion and love Bianca learnt that 'co-parenting' with Roman would be harder than she had originally anticipated.

Dealing with Roman himself would have been fine, dealing with Roman and the constant opinions from his family on their relationship, their living arrangements and how they planned to raise their child hower did bothered her.

Even though at times they bickered and had their obvious differences Bianca had formed a close bond with Roman's three older sisters and his mother Patrica. Espiecially his mother, Patricia had been overwhelmed with a mix of both sadness and joy at the news of the impending arrival of her grandson.

Now those relationships would be forever altered.

And that's what sucked.

It hurt her to think that this beautiful family she had only really just begun getting to know were going to look at her and hurt.

It hurt her to know that anytime Roman would look at her, he would hurt.

It hurt knowing that she couldn't protect their child, that she wasn't able to do the one thing a women is supposed to be able to do.

Bianca knew she had some hard decisions to make now.

"Miss Anderson, Mr. Reigns wanted you to know he will be here as soon as possible."

Lost in her thoughts Bianca hadn't even heard her come into the room, "Thankyou."

"Of course, is there anything I could get you?"

"A glass of water, I-I uh also was wondering if I could speak to my Doctor soon...to you know look at my options now." she said almost whispering the last part.

Nurse Lucy looked sadly at the young girl in the bed before her and her heart ached. Giving a gentle comforting squeeze to her arm she informed Bianca that once Mr. Reigns was there they could all speak about their options, before she left to get her glass of water.

**Chapter Note: This is all I have so far for this story, I really want to know people are intrested before I look to write more. I have idea's and a place I want to reach with this though, so with that in mind Reviews would be very much welcomed, good or bad, constructive or non-constructive. xx**


	2. Leati Malakai Reigns

**Summary;** **Bianca has to come to terms with the loss in her life, while trying to decide how she'll be able to return to her old life now. All the while someone from her new life is trying to make her stay. (Roman/OC) **

**Warnings; this story contains child loss and stillbirth. (Please don't read if you're sensitive to this subject.)**

**Disclaimer; I only own my OC Bianca. At no point do I suggest this is reality or reflects reality, it's entirely made up.**

Make Me Stay

Chapter 2

When Roman had told Nurse Lucy he would be there as soon as possible, Bianca didn't think he meant that just seven minutes later he could be heard outside her room running through the halls before his rough and currently breathless voice asked for her.

This is what she meant, he was always there for her.

Bianca could hear nurse Lucy telling him to breath and that she could take Roman to her.

And then he was there, standing in the doorway as their eyes met he stuck to the floor beneath him and just stared.

When Roman had received the call from Sacred Heart and they told him Bianca was there and that there had been complications with their baby he didn't wait for them to tell him what complications he just took off straight there.

It wasn't until he actually saw Bianca that he realized he shouldn't have jumped the trigger so quickly.

To Bianca the look on his face told her everything, he hadn't known.

Hadn't she asked for Lucy to tell him?

Roman made his way into the room, taking the seat next to her bed he instinctively grabbed Bianca's hand and begun rubbing the pad of his thumb against the back of her hand.

He didn't know how to ask, although if he knew if he didn't start asking questions soon all the possibilities in his head would start becoming too much.

"B?" he asked, not sure if she was here with him really.

"Yeah," she mumbled back. Bianca still wasn't looking at him and her eyes stayed close.

"I don't really know how to ask this B," he sighed.

"Honestly," she moved a little to face him, "I don't know what happened yet."

"So there's a chance?" he asked hopeful.

The tears automatically welled and she couldn't stop them from falling this time, all she could do was shake her head no.

A man, Roman was a man he kept reminding himself as he tried to blink back the tears that had welled in his own eyes.

B wasn't his girlfriend, partner or wife but she was family. His family. He had to be strong for his family, the mother of his child and his child even if his son wasn't here with them anymore.

The pair had never been affectionate towards each other, that wasn't part of this 'co-parenting' thing they had going on but Roman decided to cross that line now. Bianca slightly stiffened when Roman had pulled her towards him but when his big arms wrapped around her and held her tight she relaxed feeling oddly comfortable and safe in his arms.

A small knock on the door had them pulling back from their embrace as nurse Lucy came into the room again.

"I know this is a hard time for the two of you and you're still coming to terms with things but we have to start talking about where we are going from here."

"Is a Doctor able to come in and let us know what happened, maybe help us understand why?" Roman asked.

"Of course Mr. Reigns, Miss Anderson's Doctor is on his way here now but I can get one of our maternity Doctors in here now and they could answer your questions."

Roman looked back at B, silently asking what she wanted to do.

"We should wait for Doctor Martin."

"Then wait we will," he agreed.

"Of course, now Doctor Martin has sent over all previous scans and documentation of your pregnancy but I want to fore warn you that because of what happened earlier in the ultrasound room he was unable to get all the measurements he needs or look for what could have possibly caused this. This means that we will have to do another ultrasound."

B knew that it would be hard but she also knew that this needed to happen, she needed to know why she would never get to know her son.

"I understand, my emotions are high but I think I'm going to be alright this time. I need to understand why this happened."

"We have to tell you beforehand though that sometimes these things just happen, they don't always have a medical reason behind them. Almost always there is nothing you could have done sweetheart."

_Sweetheart. _Something in Bianca had always hated terms of endearments, maybe this was why. They always led back to times of both sadness and weakness, two things Bianca hated outwardly showing.

Still she knew it wasn't poor Lucy at blame here. "Thank you," she smiled, "for everything so far. Is it okay though for us to have a moment alone before Doctor Martin gets here?" she asked

"Of course Miss." Lucy left the room after.

"B, you're so strong we will get through this." Roman whispered in her ear after he pulled her back into his arms.

Unfortunately B didn't quite believe in that herself.

Losing a child wasn't just something you could be 'strong' about and come back from was it? Of course B had never lost a child but she imagined that their son would always be there with her now.

While there was some comfort to that thought, there was also a harsh pain to it. A guilt like pain that while she was here on earth living her life, no matter if her son was there by her side in heaven he wasn't going to be here by her side on earth.

He had spoken to her now minutes before but she finally was able to tell him what she had been waiting to say, "I really, really hope so Ro."

Doctor Martin arrived not ten minutes later and the hard questions where able to be asked. Unfortunately nothing was made any less painful or harder when he disclosed that there was no obvious signs of cause of death.

Sadly, that wasn't the worst part.

At 20 weeks and 4 days, Bianca was informed that she would now have to make the hard decision on how to delivery her dead baby.

There were options though Bianca could make the decision to wait it out and let her body take the natural steps when it was ready, she could have the Doctors induce her and go through a labor today or Doctors could perform a C-Section.

Every option though led to the same result, a tiny precious and beautiful baby. Just a tiny precious, beautiful baby that was also dead.

It didn't seem fair.

Once the Doctors left to give the parents time to talk, time to choose an 'option', Roman made the heartbreaking call to his mother who was devastated.

Patricia Anoa'i rushed to the hospital to hold her son and for the lovely young lady she had quickly welcomed into her family like a daughter.

Bianca thanked whatever God there was for Patricia today, the woman was full of courage and strength for all three of them.

With the Doctors wanting to know what route she wanted to go with Bianca chose to be induced that afternoon and give birth to her son.

It took seventeen long and emotional hours before Bianca started to really feel her uterus contract, just like her, her body wasn't ready to let go yet.

They were meant to still have 4 months till this happened!

Once the contractions started though there was no turning down on the pain, her initial plan of a drug free birth was no longer supported.

A morphine drip was put in and she was given an epidural, Bianca cried the whole time they were putting the epidural in. Just thinking about how she had planned to not have one when she was to give birth but how it didn't even matter anymore. _He was dead._

Eventually she was thankful for the epidural though as it took the pain of the contractions away completely. Of course she knew they were there and when she was having them, she just couldn't feel them.

Then after eighteen and a half hours Bianca suddenly felt a ton of pressure, the kind of pressure that felt like she really, really badly needed to pee. Bianca knew what this meant though, she knew her baby was ready to come out now.

It didn't take long after that, the feeling of needing to push overwhelmed Bianca.

Delivering his head was the hardest part and Bianca knew when it was happening despite having little to no feeling of it. The whole room was silent bar the sobs of Bianca and Patricia.

A gush of relief swept over her as she delivered the rest of his body, Bianca knew she wouldn't hear tears but of course she still had some dim hope and when it was still silent her heart broke just that little more she didn't know it could.

It was bitter sweet for Roman when they asked if he wanted to cut the cord, he stood on shaky legs and made the decision to do so though. Bianca could hear him finally start to sob as they wrapped his tiny, tiny body in a blanket and placed him in Roman's arms.

Bianca wasn't sure she could handle seeing her baby, so through tears she asked "Ro, what does he look like?"

He smiled, his face wet with tears, yet graced with the proudest of smiles. "His perfect. His beautiful, a beautiful little man." he choked out.

Then the nurse Lucy asked if she wanted to hold her son.

B was scared, she had all these visions of this perfect little boy in her mind and was just afraid to lose that.

B asked Patricia if she could hold him first for her, Patricia smiled sweetly at her and took a hold of her grandson.

"Oh B, his so perfect. He has your little nose B, his so beautiful." she cooed.

Looking over at Bianca, Patricia could tell she needed some reassurance before she could make the decision to see the little boy though.

"His fragile sweetheart, a little swollen and bruised from the delivery but he truly is perfect. I think you should see him B."

"I-I-I want to see him now."

Patricia smiled sweetly as she handed her grandson over to Bianca.

Bianca was beyond nervous as Patricia placed Malakai in her arms, wrapped in a blanket and with a tiny knit hat on his head. The first thing she noticed was that Patricia was right, he had her nose. B had always joked with Roman that he had her nose she could just see it in the ultrasound but he did, he really did. _God,_ _thank you._

Then she saw his perfect little hands, complete with the cutest little fingernails. _Fingernails, her baby had fingernails._

Then his feet, each with five adorable little toes. Notably his feet where nearly the biggest thing on him, just like his dad she could tell. Those had been the little feet kicking her!

It all became a little too much for her after that and she had to hand Malakai back to Roman.

Bianca will never forgot the look of admiration and love on his face as he looked down at his beautiful baby boy. "Have you thought of any names?" he asked, not taking his eyes of his son.

How had she forgotten to tell Roman!

"I actually had already begun calling him Malakai, it fits too you know. Malakai was an Angel to God and now our Malakai will be our own little Angel."

"Malakai," he said testing it on his tongue. "Malakai it is then, I love it. Leati Malakai Reigns."

They had already agreed to give their son Roman's first name and his dad before him but just like with Roman and Sika, Leati would just go by Malakai.

"Well then Hi there little Malakai, I'm your daddy." He gave Malakai's tiny little hand a shake. "You know we had so many plans for you little man, I was going to take you on rides with me, I had this little seat ordered and everything. Then when you were old enough I was going to teach you how to ride your own. We were going to take naps on the couch together, you could have laid on my chest all day and I wouldn't have mind. I'd imagined one summer we would have built our own ring just like I'd done with my Dad, I thought you might have even been able to teach me a thing or two one day."

Both Bianca and Patricia couldn't stop crying as they watched and listened Roman talk to his son. He'd known just how to hold him, how to talk to him, how to love him just like Bianca knew he would. He would have been the most perfect Dad for Malakai.

"I love you my little guy, you'll always be Daddy's little superman." He kissed Malakai's head before passing him back over to Patricia.

Eventually Sika and Roman's sisters came in to see Malakai and Bianca was so grateful to have them there.

Patricia took hundreds of photos, photos Bianca knew she would treasure forever.

They even gave Malakai his first bath that Roman got to help with.

Bianca got his footprints and handprints to keep as well.

Then the hardest part of the day came, Malakai needed to be taken to the morgue.

B wanted to scream and yell at the nurses that they couldn't take her baby, he was her baby.

Roman just held her the whole time while she sobbed into his shoulder telling him it wasn't fair.

That night Bianca was able to go home.

It was really hard to leave the hospital though, she wanted so badly to be able to leave the hospital with baby Malakai in her arms right now.

'Home' just felt so empty now though, it wasn't even her home she kept telling herself. This was Roman's home, he'd only invited her into his home because she was having his son.

Now there was no baby, where would she go?

Bianca spent the whole night on the nursery room floor just looking at photos of Malakai and his tiny hand and footprints. Imagining him inside this room, sleeping in that crib, changing him on the table, crawling around the room.

While Roman aimlessly worked his anger over it all out downstairs in the gym.

B was broken and so was he.

**Chapter Note; this chapter goes out to my mate 'Guest' for the review of the last chapter. So I got some follows and even a favorite and decided to write some more to this story. **  
**I know it's terribly depressing so far but I promise I don't plan for it to be like this the whole story.**  
**Please read and review, xx**


	3. Saying Goodbye

**Summary; Bianca has to come to terms with the loss in her life, while trying to decide how she'll be able to return to her old life now. All the while someone from her new life is trying to make her stay. (Roman/OC)**

**Warnings; this story contains child loss and stillbirth. (Please don't read if you're sensitive to this subject.)**

**Disclaimer; I only own my OC Bianca. At no point do I suggest this is reality or reflects reality, it's entirely made up.**

Make Me Stay

Chapter 3

It had only been three days since Bianca had given birth to little Malakai, those three days had felt like hell on earth for the heartbroken mother though.

These were meant to be the days of discovery, those days where it seemed that every passing hour she would notice something new about the precious little life she had brought into this world.

Her life instead now left her feeling broken and like she was a victim of theft. After all that's what it felt like, like she had the most important person in her life stolen from her.

What had she done to deserve such a cruel punishment?

Three days Bianca has spent locked away in the room that was to be Malakai's nursery, three days of nothing but sitting or lying. All the tears that could have been shed were and now it felt like there was nothing left of her.

Roman's family and friends had all stopped by showering the grieving parents with food, gifts and money. It's a sort of Samoan custom to shower the family grieving with these types of things in the time of loss, for once the funeral is over the family then returns the favour by returning almost half of all the gifts.

Bianca hadn't been able to even thank all these amazing people that had been there for Roman and for Malakai.

Malakai was going to be laid to rest today though, so Bianca had to find any strength and fight left in her to be there today and acknowledge the short life of her son.

Cecilia, Roman's oldest sister had been at the house before they'd even got home from the hospital and not yet left. Bianca would forever be thankful for her and for her incredible love and patience, Cecilia had been the one to pick up all the broken pieces and put together the service that was going to take place today.

Teuila and Samaria had taken the time to spend these past few days with Roman and his parent's as well, the sisters had been helping Patricia sort through the bundles of gifts the family had received once Sika had accepted them.

All three sisters had tried reaching out to Bianca in these past three days and not yet have any of them got more than a nod of the head or a soft 'hmm' from her. It hurt them to watch her in pain like she was but none of them were able to relate to her, none of them felt like they had the right to tell her everything would be OK for her when they didn't truly know if it would be.

Only Roman could comprehend her loss, yet even he hadn't held the unbreakable connection that an unborn child and their mother have. He craved for even just a moment of what it felt like to be that close to his son.

He wished, he prayed he could take her pain away even if that meant he bore it for her.

Especially today.

Teuila had made Bianca a muumuu for the funeral and was going to get Bianca ready if she wanted the help. Knocking on the door she entered the nursery "B?" she asked.

Bianca's tear stained face turned towards the sound of Teuila's voice, "Yeah?" she asked back.

"I brought your muumuu in for you Hun, did you want a hand getting ready?"

"I-I uh I think I can handle it, could you just leave it hanging over there", she said pointing to the unused canvas hook on the wall.

"Of course, call out if you need anything."

"I will…" Teuila began to walk out of the room before she stopped at the sound of B's voice, "Teuila?"

"Yeah B?"

"Thankyou."

"You never have to thank us for anything." She smiled, before leaving Bianca alone again.

B looked up to the half-finished paint on the wall in front of her, it was a darker shade of green. The wall was meant to be a feature wall and Roman had left it only half done before he left the week prior for week.

Closing her eyes as she stood, pulling herself up by the wooden crib in front of the wall Bianca tried to imagine what she would be doing right now if he was here. Would she be watching him sleep in the crib she now held on to, would she be changing his diaper or clothes on the table to the side of the room or could she have been breast feeding in the rocking chair sat in the corner?

It was hard to open her eyes and leave those happy thoughts behind her but Bianca had big things that she couldn't close her eyes to today.

Her legs were a little shaky at first and all over she felt numb, this was nothing to pain in her heart though. So she grabbed the clothes bag from the hook, opening the door next to it and stepping out of the nursery for the first time in three weeks.

The hall had a beautiful glass window at the end and the natural light beamed through it, hitting Bianca straight away. It amazed her how something so simple created such beauty, how before she had never noticed but now everything was seemingly taking on new meanings to her.

When B and Roman decided to live together, he had her move into his home. Only now was it setting into her that this wasn't really her home and the room she was heading to now wasn't really her bedroom they were all merely benefits of carrying his child.

What would she have and where would she go? They were two questions constantly on the tip of her tongue.

The soft sprays of the shower raining down around her felt so foreign yet comforting as she soaked and bathed her skin for the first time since the shower the nurses had given her at the hospital.

In these past three days she hadn't eaten, drank, changed or showered. Just these basic things were too much for her it seemed.

Stepping out Bianca wrapped herself in the large towel that was hanging off to her left, the warm and soft fabric seemingly moulding around her body felt so wonderful.

Dried and ready to dress B walked back into her room and opened the bag that held the muumuu, it was all white just like Roman's lavalava will be. Teuila had made the dress so it fit just right and Bianca had no idea how she could have when Teuila hadn't even measured her.

When her muumuu was all on and fitted B called out for Teuila, who without hesitation nearly came running. After all this was the first time they'd really heard from her.

"B?" she asked.

B turned and smiled at Teuila, "It's beautiful."

"I'm just glad you like it," Teuila moved forward to fix the back up a little "It fits wonderfully as well."

"How did you know my sizes? I wouldn't even know my size right now." She said looking down at her body, really taking in the difference these last three days had made.

"I use to make muumuus with mother all the time when I was young, I got good at guessing measurements. Mother refused to use them, just as her mother before her had done, so that was how I learned."

"I'd love for you to teach me one day."

"It'd be my pleasure."

"Do you mind fixing my hair for me?" B asked.

"Not at all, just take a seat."

Teuila took Bianca's hair and turned it into an up do of curls, twirls and buns. When she was finished she held a small mirror in front of Bianca so she could look at her work.

"Thankyou, it's lovely."

"I'll be downstairs when you're ready B."

With that Teuila left the room and headed back down the stairs, B sighed as she moved to the bathroom taking in her appearance from the floor to ceiling mirror. She was hardly recognizable was all she could think, she felt and looked broken.

Roman stood in the living room making small talk with his mother while they waited on Bianca, everyone else in the family had left headed towards the church.

Patricia had helped her son a lot these last few days and knew her son was experiencing the hardest of heartbreaks. All she could offer was her love, support and shoulder to cry on wishing and praying to take his pain away.

Roman wore his white lavalava, a white dress shirt and a deep green tie, the colour that they'd chosen as Malakai's colour.

It was getting closer to nine now and Bianca knew she had to make her way downstairs or they would be running short on time. So taking a deep breath and collecting her thoughts B put on her shoes, tucked the deep green flower behind her ear and grabbed her bag before heading downstairs.

Patricia stopped talking as soon as she saw Bianca walking down the stairs, all she wanted was to rush over and hug the young woman whom she now saw as a daughter but didn't want to startle her. After all this was progress for B and Patricia didn't want to stop or hinder that, so she just tapped Roman's shoulder and made him aware of Bianca.

When Roman turned and took in B, his heart stopped for a second.

Here was the woman who had given him his son, the woman who he held so much respect and admiration for. Yet the woman that stood before him seemed like such a shell of the B he really knew, her usual caramel skinned completion seemed paler than ever. The dimpled smile that normally graced her face was gone and now an unreadable expression was held there, one that didn't met those usually sparkling green eyes that looked so lost right now.

Not sure of what her reaction would be, Roman slowly walked over and held his arm out for Bianca, who smiled softly at him before looping her arm in his.

The pair made their way through the house with Patricia in tow.

It took no time at all it seemed and they were parked outside the church, Bianca looked around and was amazed at the turn out of people that were here. Many of these people had never even met her son, yet here they stood wanting to support the Roman and her.

Roman gently took her hand in his, pulling her out of her thoughts "You ready to go in?" he asked.

Taking a deep breath, B nodded "As ready as I could ever be for something like this."

"I know B, but I'm here for you every step alright?"

"Alright…Let's go."

They met at the front of the car again and much to Roman's surprise it was B who took his hand in hers this time, "together" was all she said before she started walking nearly dragging Roman along with her.

Everyone stood apart in a guard of honour as Bianca walked through them and took her seat on the front bench, Sika and Patricia made their way through next sitting next to Bianca before Cecilia, Teuila, Samaria and their husbands and families followed suit.

It was then that Roman walked through, with the tiniest coffin most of their guests had ever seen. Malakai's coffin was placed on the table at the front of the church as the guests made their way in.

The service was beautiful, Cecilia had made wonderful choices of passages and songs throughout. At the end a short slideshow was shown of Bianca throughout her pregnancy and then a few photos of Malakai with Bianca and Roman it was such a sentimental touch that left nobody with dry eyes.

After the church service only family and the closest friends were invited to the lawn service, where they laid Malakai to his final resting place.

It was at the lawn service that Bianca and Roman spoke.

Roman made his eulogy of sorts first, "I just want to start by thanking every one of you for being here today, for being here for Bianca and I since everything happened. This wasn't what any of us imagined to be doing when we found out about the precious little boy that was Malakai. Without even being here he was an uplift to my day, something to look forward too, and something to plan for. Now his gone and I've lost that, I've lost all those plans and things I've looked forward too but I've gained an Angel an ever present Angel in my life that I'll never loose. I'll forever be thankful to God, to my Family and especially to Bianca for giving me this opportunity to be a father. I love my son, I always will love him and always will cherish the time I had."

He pulled a piece of paper from his jacket pocket, fighting back some tears as he opened the paper. "I-uh these last few days I've been trying to come to terms with the loss that he'd been taken from us when I decided he hadn't. So um, this is my letter I wrote to the Lord last night. 'Dear Lord, this is just a little letter to you because I feel like we should have our agreement written out. You are to babysit my boy until his Mom and I get there and I only ask these few things of you. One; please make sure he gets Eskimo kisses every day, just like I got from my dad. Two; Please tell him every day how much his mother and I loved him and how excited we were for him to get here. Three; Make sure his got a football field up there, I could have sworn his was destined to be a star. Four; He loves Bacon, peanut butter cups and the #17 special at the local Chinese takeout please keep him stocked up. Five; Take lots of photos, I want to be able to look back on everything when I get there. Six; Always let him look down upon us, so he knows we're always looking up at him too. Seven; His mum gets a little scared in storms, if he gets scared, could you hold him for me? Eight; this is my last request, like I said this is our agreement and you're only there to babysit little Malakai, when B and I get there we can handle it from there. Just thankyou for all you're going to do for now.'"

Roman threw the letter in the grave, along with a photo of him and B.

Bianca watched as Roman made his way back to the white garden seats, before she stood on shaky legs and made her way to the graveside.

"I was never that little girl who sat in her room and played with her baby dolls waiting for the day I could hold my own. So 14 weeks ago when the doctor told me I was pregnant, I expected to feel dread to fear the expected but I didn't. I felt this overwhelming fullness, like all this time trying to figure out what I needed in my life suddenly became answered. I was meant to be a mother, I wanted to be a mother, and I needed to be a mother."

Wiping the tears from her face, Bianca tried to breathe a little before she continued.

"Leati Malakai Reigns will forever be my son, the light of my life and my little saviour. I can't thank the Lord enough for allowing him into my life even if it were only for such a small amount of time his footprint will forever be left on me. I've heard a lot of times lately 'Time will heal the pain', but if I'm being honest I hope it will remain. I want to feel you here with me every day, even with the pain it will get me through the day. I love him so very much, but the angels come and took him, took my one and only son. If only they'd asked me, if I'd taken his place I would have done so willingly leaving him this world to grace. He should have had so many years here on earth, to live and to lead his life. I just hope now his watching from above, watching the daily tasks I do leaving no doubt that I really do love him with my all."

Bianca deposited the flower from her hair into his grave and the baby blanket he'd been first wrapped in before she made her way back to her seat. Letting herself finally breathe, the tears didn't come this time either.


	4. Family

**Chapter Note; This is a new edited version of chapter 4 for those who had already read my previous Chapter 4 I apologize, I just wasn't happy with the product.**

**Chapter 4**

Roman was due to go back on the road in two days, but as he watched Bianca moving around their kitchen still seeming dazed, and still slightly unaware of her surroundings, he wasn't sure it was such a good idea anymore.

_Maybe he could talk to Stephanie and Paul, work out some type of agreement – he could still do the taped shows but miss the live shows. Right now he needed to be with B._

"B...We have fifteen minutes, could you rush a little?" He asked, as gently as possible.

Sighing, she nodded her head, putting the apple she grabbed from the bowl in her bag before finding her shoes. Bianca honestly didn't want to go see her OBGYN; the last time she was in that office she found out she lost Malakai.

The thought of being stuck in a waiting room, with all of those other woman holding their babies in their arms or carrying their babies still healthy in their womb, while she sat there without one, felt cruel. It was wrong, so very wrong – this wasn't how it was meant to be.

When they arrived Roman had to open her car door whilst holding onto her, making sure she wouldn't just crumble. He'd somehow become her rock in these last few days. Whether she realized how much she needed him or not before, she had a better appreciation for it now.

Before the loss they were together physically but emotionally they were strangers. Friendly strangers who had come together for the sake of their unborn child, they lived together but they barely knew each other. Roman had such a busy schedule and the few days he had off had just been spent awkwardly shuffling around each other. Bianca had only agreed to live with him because she had no-where else to go – not that she'd ever tell Roman that.

Now though, Roman was becoming her glue. A fact that honestly scared her.

He saw her face change when they inched closer to the clinic door and felt her pull on his hand. Bianca had stopped walking. He knew this would happen; B was a strong woman, a very strong woman, but this was enough to make a grown man break. He just might have, had it not been for her. Pushing aside his own fears about entering the door stood in front of them, he turned to Bianca and reached for her other hand, so he was holding both of hers in his.

"Look at me B," he spoke.

B shook her head no as the tears fell down her cheeks silently. _Roman didn't deserve this, she couldn't keep breaking down on him_

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," she started muttering, like a mantra.

Roman noticed her tears, wiping them with the pad of his thumb. "You're not stupid B, this is just overwhelming. Take your time, you can do this. I'm right here with you."

"I know, I just needed a minute."

Brushing the stray hair from her face, he kissed her forehead and engulfed her in a warm embrace, his arms encircling her waist. "Take all the time you need."

They stood there like that for a few minutes while Bianca gathered herself.

"I'm ready now," she mumbled against his chest, moving her hands and pushing herself away to look up into his face.

"Okay," he said breaking the embrace and taking a hold of her hand again. He needed her to know that he was here and he wasn't going anywhere. "Let's do this, then."

Walking in, Bianca was taken back for a moment. Just as she feared, there were mothers with their newborn babies and still-pregnant woman sitting scattered around the room. Taking a deep breath she looked up at Roman, for a reassurance and found it immediately when she looked into to his eyes.

Nodding her head ever so slightly, letting him know she was fine, he squeezed her hand just that little extra- letting her know he was too. They walked up to the desk.

"Hi, do you have an appointment?" The cheery receptionist asked.

"Yes."

"Okay then, I just need your name, appointment time, and doctor you're seeing."

"Bianca Anderson, 11 o'clock with Dr. Martin."

"Okay, then just let me look that up." She began typing away on her computer, "I see you're at 21 weeks now, congratulations. Not long now."

Roman looked to Bianca immediately and could see the tears already welling in her eyes.

"I-I, I, I…" Bianca tried to speak, but couldn't.

The receptionist looked mortified.

"Malakai was born five days ago." Roman spoke, pulling B into his side. "Stillborn."

"I'm so sorry, the file hadn't been updated. I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say, oh my goodness."

She rushed out of her seat and around to B, hugging her.

B felt uncomfortable in her grasp, moving out of the hug, trying not to be rude.

"There is a private waiting room a little up the hall, if you'd be more comfortable," she offered.

"Thank you," Roman said, glad that they didn't have to wait here with all the woman and their stares. While he knew Bianca had feared this part, he hadn't taken into consideration how much hurting he would also feel.

Sitting in the waiting room, B wiped her tears. "I'm sorry I broke down," she whispered.

"You don't ever have to apologize to me for showing your emotions."

"I just don't want to bury your pain with my own, you know? I feel like I've done all the grieving, Ro."

"We just grieve in different ways B, doesn't mean I haven't been. Why do you think the punching bag isn't on the hook anymore?" He laughed lightly.

Bianca couldn't help but laugh a little with him. "You're sure? I want you to be able to come to me, Ro."

He nodded, "I know B. I will if I ever need to again."

It was a comfortable silence from then on, til the nurse came for them.

The nurse weighed Bianca and recorded her weight loss – just over seven pounds. "It's normal to drop some of the weight quickly, but we must advise on trying to lose the weight slowly and maintaining your healthy diet to not shock your body."

"Of course."

Next she took the measurements, before checking her blood pressure, pulse rate and oxygen levels.

"Everything is checking out pretty well, okay? Which is great. Now, I know the last thing you want to hear me rambling on about is dealing with the loss right now, but it's protocol. We talk about a few things. Just...at any time you don't feel comfortable, let me know."

"Sure," B said.

Handing her several pamphlets, the nurse explained, "There is no right or wrong way to deal with your loss. Everyone deals with things in their own ways, however there are healthy and un-healthy ways of dealing with your loss. These handouts just cover a few of these. They offer support groups or lines; some even have sites where mothers have forums. I also lost a child at 22 weeks to stillbirth, so I understand this emotional path you're on. These aren't compulsory to look at or listen to, but speaking from experience it does sometimes help."

"Thank you."

The nurse continued to ask questions. Some actually stunned Bianca on how bluntly obnoxious and rude they seemed, like if they were planning on trying again soon. They weren't even together! At the end of the day though, they were mandatory questions and maybe if they didn't get asked she would never know.

Bianca had to continue taking her pre-natal vitamins, which seemed like a spit in the face. The nurse insisted though that it was for her own good, something about a woman losing precious vitamins during pregnancy and saying they actually helped boost those levels even after birth.

Then they had to talk about the god awful fact that her breasts had filled with milk and were increasingly painful. Bianca decided that she would pump the milk she produced and donate it to the hospital - that way a baby would still benefit from her body's produce. It was just another reminder that her body was ready for this baby, yet for some cruel reason there wasn't one.

The nurse gave her specific instructions on keeping any type of physical activities to a limit so soon after birth and made a not-so-subtle hint that the list included sex. _Still not together_! Was all B could think. However, a list of exercise routines specialized in strengthening the pelvic and abdominal muscles again were something the nurse advised to start doing after roughly the second week, just to tighten and strengthen everything down there back into working order.

When Dr. Martin came in they had to talk about the long lasting effects and the short term effects on her body. Bianca was still bleeding and spotting from the birth, and Dr. Martin insisted that should only last two to three weeks.

He did a small exam, checking to see if her body was starting the healing process it takes after birth, but also checking for any signs of infections.

All came back 'a okay' and clear. _Thank god. _

Of course, she still had to come back for her six week postpartum check-up so he could do a full and proper exam. The joys, was all Bianca could think.

Finally getting out of that office, Bianca felt like she could breathe again. "I hate that place."

"If it's any consolation; not my favourite place either." Roman shivered.

When they made it to the car Roman opened and closed the door for Bianca before going around to his door. "How about we do lunch, B?"

B looked over at Ro and smiled. "Lunch sounds lovely, Mr. Reigns."

Lunch was quiet as the two discussed insignificant things about life. It was nice to know they still had things to learn about each other. Plenty of things, really. Bianca wasn't really sure what Roman and she were right now. Were they friends? It seemed like a weird concept to her; they'd gone so long not really knowing each other - just co-existing for the sake of their impending child. Now, it seemed like they had the chance to actually get to know each other though.

Roman was beginning to realize he didn't know Bianca well at all, in fact he could almost admit he knew next to nothing about her.

He hoped, though, that their night together meant something to her – because it did to him.

At the end of the day, that night lead to one of the best gifts he has even been given, Malakai. Although Malakai wasn't there long, he made a life-long impact on his father these past few months. Those short few hours he held him near and dear had changed Roman from the party-going loose cannon still living like a collage frat kid to an adult, a man, a father, a provider.

Something Roman could never turn his back on: family. Bianca was his family now.


	5. Roman's Side

**Chapter 5**

Today marked two weeks, 14 days, 336 hours, 20160 minutes since Malakai had departed from Earth and Bianca is still coming to terms with it.

Ever felt like something would start getting better, but it hadn't? I imagine that's how Bianca's feeling.

Sad.

First of all she's sad he died. Sad that no longer will she be bringing Malakai home in September and spending the Fall getting to know him. Sad that she'll never know the colour of his eyes, or the sound of his voice. Sad that she'll never hear him call her "mummy", sad for all that could have been, and that _should_ have been.

Then there's the sadness that's she not pregnant anymore. As sucky as it was sometimes, being pregnant brought so much excitement, a kind of thrilling, sometimes even scary excitement that neither Bianca nor I had never felt before.

We had something to look forward to. I could wake up every day with the amazing knowledge that I was one day closer to meeting this child growing inside of her. My life began to revolve around you-thinking about you, getting ready for you, talking about you, dreaming about you.

I miss having something to look forward to, she misses have something look forward too. I miss having that excitement in my life, she misses that excitement in her life. These days she just feel numb. Like she has nothing to look forward to, nothing to wake up for every morning. Nothing excites her like it used to. I find myself hearing "I don't care" in response to almost everything.

What do you want to do today?

"I don't care."

What do you want for lunch?

"I don't care."

What movie do you want to watch?"

"I don't care."

It's hard to explain, but it seems like she just really doesn't give a damn anymore. And this coming from a girl who used to have an opinion on everything.

I know he wouldn't want her to be this type of person, and I myself don't want her to be this type of person, but I don't know how to help her find a way out of this sadness. I don't know how to make her happy again.

For all the days she had spent sad though, today was different.

It was about 10am when I had found her, in the rocking chair of Malakai's nursery her phone playing a very familiar song.

Sitting there I knew she was remembering one night about a month ago, when she and I were on the couch putting together an iTunes playlist for the baby, deciding to call it "Babies Mix." I'd read somewhere that he could now hear and respond to music, so I wanted to make sure that Malakai was exposed to all the "classics" right from the start. Of course we argued about which songs to include and laughed as we imagined how he was going to recognize those songs after he was born.

When it came to choosing which Beatles song to include, it was a tough call; they knew when he grew up, he would have realized there are a LOT of good Beatles songs to pick from! Eventually they decided on "Let it Be."

That however one of those rare moments before he was born where we had connected, bonded over something other than the baby. I know a lot of that fell on myself, I'd just been this big awkward goof that wasn't sure what I was and wasn't supposed to be doing for her. I can change that now though, I have to.

I'd heard the music before I'd found her, evidence B's had this song on repeat. I can see the pain in her eyes as the tears streamed down her face while she listened to it, but her eyes held something else for a change, happens and even a tiny bit of peace. I knew it was the song the words so simple, yet so profound:

_"And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree, _

_there will be an answer, let it be. _

_For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, _

_there will be an answer. let it be. _

_Let it be, let it be, ... _

_And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, _

_shine until tomorrow, let it be. _

_I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, _

_speaking words of wisdom, let it be. "_

Let it be. That's what B's trying to do. Trying to keep the "why me" questions at bay. Trying to accept the fact that his gone and there's no changing that. Trying to trust that someday there will be light in her life again and that although she may never get an answer to why this happened, that someday she will be able to say his life and death were not for nothing - that he changed her and made her a better person. Of course she's not there yet, none of us are but trying is a step in the right direction, right?

While Bianca had seemingly found comfort in that song, I had the lines;

"_And even though they don't show, the scars aren't so old_

_And when they go, they let you know_

_You can't put your arms around a memory_

_You can't put your arms around a memory_

_You can't put your arms around a memory_

_You can't put your arms around a memory_

_Don't try, don't try"_

It wasn't even the song that stuck out to me, just these few lines and lyrics from a very old Johnny Thunders song.

I'm glad I got to hold him, even if it was only for a couple of minutes and I couldn't stop crying. I'm glad I got to talk to him even if he could only watch and listen from above. I'm sad however that from here on out, we're only going to have him as a memory.

Time seemed to have passed on as I just stood there watching from the doorframe, if she knew I was there she didn't show it. I must have listened to the song three or four times before I even stepped into the room, it wasn't that I didn't want to, more than anything I wanted to walk in there take her into my arms and tell her everything would be alright. I just wasn't so sure it would be myself.

So I waited.

**Chapter Note; A massive thankyou to **AeonBlue **who without I may have just stuck my head in the toilet. Thankyou to all my new followers and favourites and my lovely reviewers, **IRENELOV83, AeonBlue **and **nattiebroskette . **I'm going to try and make weekly updates maybe even less in between, just be patient with me and thankyou all. **


	6. Author's Note

**Author's Note;**

Thankyou for the sweet reviews and messages I received after my last post! Because of the circumstances of death we had to wait a ridiculous length of time for the autopsy results before we could bury our beautiful Jess.

I am now home though and currently writing our next chapter! (YAY!)

Unfortunately, a bizarre event has left me with a broken left wrist and a fractured left hand. Typing with one hand is proving more difficult than I had assumed it will be, nevertheless an ACTUAL update will be here for you all soon, just more patience with me I ask. (I know, lame, sorry.)

Thankyou,  
_**SweetHigh **_xx


	7. Bianca's Side

**Authors Note: **A big thankyou to _mitchy21 _who messaged me recently and got the ball rolling on this chapter, shortly after I had made it home and posted my last Author's note I ended up in hospital for the good part of a month and when I was released I was technically homeless so I was placed in a refuge. Things are slowly working out but updates may be slow due to the fact I have no internet.

Chapter isn't perfect, because I haven't had it Beta'd and I just really want to give you guys something.**  
**

**Chapter 6**

Today marked two weeks, 14 days, 336 hours, 20160 minutes since Malakai had departed from Earth and I am still coming to terms with it.

Ever felt like something would start getting better, but it hadn't? That's exactly how I've been left feeling.

Sad.

Even more than sad, ashamed.

As a woman, I'm embarrassed and ashamed that my body wasn't able to do the one, or at least _most _important thing, it was created to do: produce a baby, a breathing, living, healthy baby.

Like seriously, the odds of something happening as far as I was into the pregnancy happening are less than 8%. I know this because I sat down every second day googling all these kind of statistics, in a way to give me reassurance, which is ironic now right?

Right now it just seems like everyone else in the world has no problem making a baby they can keep, BUT me. I feel broken, just like a faulty product you take back to the shops.

I find myself hating the people who keep telling saying "It's not your fault", "Don't feel guilty', because I do feel guilty and we don't know that it wasn't my fault.

Guilty, I feel so guilty that I failed the first the most important task of being a mother: keeping Malakai safe. I tried to do everything right from the start, I swear I did. From keeping track of my vegetable, fruit and protein intake, taking my pre-natal vitamins, I stayed away from caffeine filled drinks, gave up coffee, I didn't even try out that beautiful spa bath Roman has because hot baths could harm my baby.

Yet, I still failed.

So no, I don't think I will ever get over the guilt and shame of losing Malakai. I know that no one blames me for what happened; even the doctor said there's nothing I could have done differently. I know these things in my _head_, but in my _heart_ I feel so guilty and ashamed.

And, I am just so, so sorry that I lost my beautiful baby.

I'd woken up today to a dream, or maybe a nightmare I'm not sure what they are anymore of a baby crying. He looked like Malakai, they always do, this mass of black waved, almost curled hair and piercing blue eyes.

What I would have given just to have seen his eyes once.

These dreams are almost always the same, a baby, crying, wailing, screaming in need of comfort or help but every time I get to him, his ripped out of my arms. Again.

The dream triggered something inside myself today though.

I have lived without Malakai, I can live without Malakai and I will continue to live without Malakai for Malakai.

In the midst of all the emotional turmoil and stress I seemed to have lost integral parts of who I am as a person, who Bianca Anderson is. I just needed this simple reminder today that _I am strong, I do have strength!_

With this re-found strength I made goals for myself, one of those were to remember all the good things Malakai was able to bring into our lives.

I guess that's how I'd got to be sitting here remembering one night about a month ago, when Ro and I were on the couch putting together an iTunes playlist for the baby, deciding to call it "Babies Mix." Roman had read somewhere that he could now hear and respond to music, so of course he wanted to make sure that Malakai was exposed to all the "classics" right from the start. Then we argued about which songs to include and laughed as we imagined how he was going to recognize those songs after he was born.

When it came to choosing which Beatles song to include, it was a tough call; we knew when he grew up, he would have realized there are a LOT of good Beatles songs to pick from! Eventually we decided on "Let it Be."

That was one of the best things Malakai gave his Mamma, his Dad and his Dad's amazing family. The Reigns family welcomed me in graciously with arms wide spread, I could never thank them enough for their wonderful love and generosity.

I'd gone into Malakai's room to think, I noticed I did that a lot lately, on how I'd be able to approach Roman on my new plans and goals. Somewhere amongst my thoughts I'd ended up here, listening to the song on repeat, I knew I was crying, but I wasn't sad. This was different, an almost happy feeling to know that I'd gotten here. That I knew someday I'd be ok. The words of the song replaying around me so simple, yet so profound:

_"And when the broken-hearted people living in the world agree,_

_there will be an answer, let it be._

_For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,_

_there will be an answer. let it be._

_Let it be, let it be, ..._

_And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,_

_shine until tomorrow, let it be._

_I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,_

_speaking words of wisdom, let it be. "_

I could see Roman at the door through the window glass but I know I'd have been able to notice him without that give away, his heavy breaths and that smooth hum of his. I don't think he even notices he hums to almost everything, I won't tell him though, because I love the sound.

Often I wonder what could have become of Roman and I, would with have been great co-parents or could our relationship have developed into something more.

The chemistry was always there for me, I guess since that first night. I'd like to think he notices it too, that he feels it, that maybe in some other universe we could have gave it a shot and really made a go of it. I know one day his going to make some amazing lady feel so special and loved.

I only wish him all the happiness in the world.

Hopefully he understands that's why I need to leave.


End file.
